My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I can't turn off my feet"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
