I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
