ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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