How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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