i think my tv is drunk
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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