I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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