If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I lost the right to judge tonight
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
