what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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