he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
