You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
