Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
