Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
