It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
