sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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