He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize