Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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