i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
