I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
