Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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