The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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