God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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