Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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