I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
