Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
you made out with another girl for some wings
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
