i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
