even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Found the puke drawer
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
