She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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