i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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