Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
