dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
