ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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