Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
