its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
