so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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