woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
