Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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