I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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