I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
