Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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