She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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