I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
