Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
