I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
