I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
