so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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