So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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