I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
