You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
