I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
