last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
