I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
