you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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