I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
