Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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