My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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