Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
