Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
