New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
